Iowa

Listen to "Wildwood"

WELCOME to IOWA

Attention Visitors:

Iowa Tourism Council Bulletin:

This list of rules will be handed to each person
as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.

9. The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

15. Yeah, we eat catfish--carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 80 goes two ways I-35 goes the other two. Pick one.

17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

18. So every person in every pick-up waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

20. No, we can't shoot the doves. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.